Sunday, February 11, 2007

A full life

Well. This will be my first single Valentine's Day in many a year. In theory I'm not upset--I've had more than my fair share of not-alone valentine's Days, and it's time I got to take the other side.
Still, I'm not kidding myself. It's going to be tough. Really tough. I expect there will be many a moment when the tears are going to come. But I'm determined not to mope around, or go on a date with someone I'm not in love with and deal with all that pressure. I'm going to enjoy it like I did when I was a kid! I've gone through an awful lot of manifesto days, when I swore to be a stronger person from that moment on. It doesn't work. I've accepted that you can't call love hate and have it really be hate just because you want it to. You can't stop feeling pain because it's inconvenient. The harder you deny your own feelings, the harder you will fall, and you will break bones. I accept that I am healing, that I will feel differently all the time, and that moving on isn't something you can force. A rebound is not the answer. I'm sort of pleased to find that I get no kicks out of using men. That's a lot more mature than I ever thought I was. So there's that at least.
I'm even amazed to find that my teaching is filling up the gaps in my life, and that I even get joy out of it. That I don't feel lost anymore. At least, not most of the time.
On the other hand, I'm developing more old-maid habits and preferences by the day. I'm not sure if it's being a professional husher for loud kids, or if it's not having a man to impress. I prefer medicinal herbal scents, pajamas with discreet stripes in sober tones, and the highlight of my average week is Tuesday, because House is on. My heart actually beats faster when I think about it.. my ideal man, apparently, is a crabby Brit. I'm twenty-two and I knit obsessively. I'm an English teacher who enjoys puns a lot more than is actually healthy. I smell of lavender and basil. The other day I even heard myself say, "Have some respect for the Word of God!" And so, my friends, I will die alone. Except for my cats. They will still love me.

Here is my game plan for the Day of Doom:

1. I will make extra-special personalized heart cookies for my students, cooperating teacher and principal.
2. I will buy myself flowers. Probably Gerbera daisies in red, yellow and orange. I really always liked them better than roses.
3.I will make funny, irreverent Valentines and mail them to my friends and family back home. When I'm in a relationship I forget to be generous to the people who really love me and are really, truly committed to me.
4.I will buy a Veggie Lover pizza from Pizza Hut: I haven't had one in years, a bottle of the cheapest, sweetest red wine available, and watch American Idol with my cat at home. Also some chocolate. I can spoil myself better than anyone else can.
5. Next weekend, my dear Heather will come up to visit, we will go see the Vagina Monologues and go out to dinner.
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